The Reframe Game

We live in a culture that rewards adaptability, composure, belonging, and self-sacrifice. From an early age, many of us learned the importance of reading a room, managing expectations, not appearing “needy,” and prioritizing other people’s feelings above our own.

We became skilled at being “fine” even when life felt anything but. This way of living can be compelling for a time until it eventually unravels and becomes exhausting, empty, and overwhelming. One day, many of us wake up feeling disconnected from ourselves without knowing exactly when, how, or why it happened.

Much of my life has been shaped by a willingness to unlearn what is not working and a deep desire to develop a connection to myself and my voice. So much of what was modeled to me personally and professionally felt like a suit of heavy armor built for a version of me that I could not make peace with. Unlearning the rules, roles, and behavioral patterns that offered the illusion of “having it all together” has been a complex practice with many layers. Turns out, it is perfectly human to feel stuck when life feels full of rules, “shoulds,” and “have tos.” The noisy fears, projections, expectations, and cancel culture that permeate the world around us can make it almost impossible to hear ourselves, navigate challenges of all kinds, and feel safe in our own skin.

Unlearning is a process that helps you return to yourself in ways that are aligned with your values, authenticity, choices, and lived experiences. It is a quieter, more self-reflective approach that reminds you of who you were before anyone told you who to be, how to be, where to be, or what to be. Unlearning invites you to listen closely and notice what is happening beneath your surface. To explore blind spots, hopes, dreams, and new perspectives without assuming there is a single right answer that you are failing to find. This work takes time, patience, self-compassion, and loads of imperfection. It readies you to meet yourself with the same love and devotion that you so freely offer the people you care about most.

To be fair, most of us are not looking for more responsibility or ways to overfunction on other people’s behalf. Most of us are tired. Tired of carrying the bulk of the emotional labor at home and at work. Tired of fixing, smoothing, and holding everything together. We are craving deeper connections to ourselves and others. Connections that support growth, healing, rest, renewal, and freedom. Yes … freedom.

Freedom from people pleasing

From managing other people’s moods

From blaming ourselves when things go awry

From keeping the peace, comparing ourselves to others, and taking responsibility for all the things

We long for relief from the pressure to do more, be more, and move at a pace that requires self-abandonment. And the “rules” are in our way.

Be nice

Don’t be selfish

Be easy

Don’t complain

Do it yourself

Be available

Be agreeable

Don’t rock the boat

Don’t shine too bright

No one formally teaches us these rules. We learn them by watching, adapting, and through the reinforcement/rewards/consequences that come from our families, communities, and systems. With repetition and time, they settle into our minds and bodies and shape how we show up in relationships, work, and caregiving.

And eventually they become expensive.

Unlearning asks us to be willing to brave discomfort and to do something different.

To set boundaries

To tell the truth

To rock the boat

To allow people to be disappointed

To ask for what you need

To live in the authenticity of your values

To step outside of your helicopter tendencies and let people have the sovereignty of their own experiences

This takes abundant courage because some people are going to miss the version of you who stayed agreeable, remained constantly available, and made things easier for everyone but you. This is where the guilt tends to creep in and can cause you to revert to the shelter and safety of old patterns. Remember, guilt is a feeling associated with doing something wrong. Unlearning often feels like you are doing something wrong because you are making new and unfamiliar choices that are right for you. It takes time and willingness to process the guilt and trust yourself. With practice, the freedom will kick in. I promise.

So, here is a gentle invitation:

Be curious about the rules and roles you are living by.

Explore their origins, their function, who they are designed to serve, and what they might be protecting you from.

Notice what they are costing you and where you might begin the unlearning. Make a move.

You are not broken, and you don’t need to be fixed.

You are not selfish.

You are not too much or too needy.

You are right where you are meant to be, and you do know the way.

Lisa Brooks is a lecturer at the University of North Carolina Wilmington’s School of Social Work and operates her own coaching and consulting practice in Wilmington. wilmingtonthrivetribes.com

To view more of photographer Danielle Desnoyer’s work, go to www.danielledesnoyersphotography.com.

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