Hereby Resolved

January Men's Room column

It’s that time again: the start a new year, the unblemished chance for a fresh beginning. You know all about it – out with the old attitudes and bad practices of the past, and in with a clean slate and polished pledges for transforming body, mind, money, and associations with others.

I don’t know about you, but for me, finally, after a year of backsliding, internal compromises, lowering the personal bar, and outright failing to turn 2018 into a magical year, I’m happy to have a chance to begin again.

This year will be different. This year will mark the turning point. I hereby resolve to take earnest steps to make 2019 the year of All Things Positive, Healthy, Wise, Productive, Benevolent, and Meaningful.

I’ll start with the big one – new year, new name. No more Tim Bass, graying suburbanite softie and erstwhile crackpot. From now on, call me Adonis Magnifico, suave showcase of flowing mane, actual abs, and a vaguely alluring European accent.

Lots of people resolve to join a gym in the new year. I have a gym membership already, so I’ve accomplished that goal without trying – and when it comes to the gym, I’m all for less effort. I resolve, though, to stop thinking about pizza and doughnuts during workouts.

I resolve to tear my house apart until I locate the thumb drive that I misplaced last year while attempting to fulfill my resolution to get organized.

I resolve to move my important computer files to something that is harder to lose than a thumb drive.

When my dog does his business in other people’s yards, I will hitherto make a big show of chastising him, even though he can’t understand me, and even if he could, he wouldn’t care.

When I go in for a haircut, I’ll stop telling the stylist, “Feel free to experiment.”

I pledge to curtail my rabid complaints about congested roads, slow traffic lights, and left-lane-loving loons, except between 6 a.m. and 11:59 p.m., and between midnight and 5:59 a.m.

I’ll use one of my twenty watches and show up on time for something.

I resolve to live in the moment and stop wishing I could live in any other one.

In my salads: more kale and chia seeds, less cheese and creamy dressing.

When my sister calls while I’m watching a baseball game, I resolve to turn it off if my team is either up by six runs or down by seven. Otherwise, I’ll courteously mute the volume.

I resolve to listen to one entire song recorded after 1976.

That junk room upstairs – this year, I’m going in there to do battle, and I’m bringing a trash can, rubber gloves, a vacuum cleaner, a garden rake, and a pressure washer. And, an archaeologist to solve some mysteries.

Kombucha. This is the year that I learn what all the fuss is about.

When I ask people how it’s going, I resolve not to judge them poorly when they reply, “It’s going.”

I resolve to stop asking people how it’s going.

When I argue with myself, I’ll finally let myself win. Once.

Oh, and lose weight. Yeah, that, too.

Big changes are on the way in the new year.

Really. Seriously. No kidding around.

This year, I mean it.

Tim Bass – ahem, Adonis Magnifico – is coordinator of UNCW’s bachelor of fine arts program in creative writing.

To view more of illustrator Mark Weber’s work, go to markweberart.blogspot.com.

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