Calendar Capers

David Hardin lives in Wilmington with his wife, who will probably bust him for trying to downplay Valentine’s Day.

Welcome to February. Official motto: “At least it’s not January”

There is a reason why animals sleep through the month of February. And it’s not just the lousy weather. It feels like a Tuesday that lasts for twenty-eight days. The random assortment of holidays in February don’t help much either. It’s like the Holiday Selection Committee finally ran out of ideas.

I’ll bet that if you go back and look at the transcript from the actual meeting where they decided on February holidays, it would look something like this:

CHAIRMAN: Okay, so everybody knows that February is lame so it needs more holidays to make up for it. Any suggestions?

COMMITTEE MEMBER #1: How about a day where people feel obligated to buy things for their loved ones?

CHAIRMAN: Hold up. That sounds a lot like Christmas.

COMMITTEE MEMBER #2: Yeah! Christmas presents are awesome. Let’s do it again!

CHAIRMAN: No. According to the bylaws, there can only one Christmas per year. Besides, Santa spends February at his timeshare in Barbados.

COMMITTEE MEMBER #2: Can we do Halloween again? ‘Cause dude, nobody cares if you’re freezing your buns off when you got a whole bucket full of peanut butter cups.

CHAIRMAN: How about we do something with both presents and candy?

COMMITTEE MEMBER #1: Can we work in some scantily clad lingerie models in there somewhere?

CHAIRMAN: It’s like a sexy Christmas! Now we’re talking.

COMMITTEE MEMBER #2: Who’s going to be the mascot?

COMMITTEE MEMBER #1: How about the leprechaun? He’s the right size for our last remaining costume, and he’s resourceful. He got that rainbow and a pot of gold with like three days notice.

CHAIRMAN: Done. Just have him shave his beard and wear that diaper outfit. Nobody will know. Ok people. Let’s move on. What other days can we do?

COMMITTEE MEMBER #2: People love furry animals and good weather, right? So, how about we do something like if it’s sunny on Feb. 2, everybody gets a free kitten?

CHAIRMAN: I like where you’re headed, but domesticated animals are too expensive. We already spent most of our animal budget on Easter.

COMMITTEE MEMBER #1: Well, there is this tiny bear that’s been digging up my yard.

COMMITTEE MEMBER #2: Like a groundhog?

COMMITTEE MEMBER #1: Whatever. I can’t catch him because he freaks out every time he sees a shadow.

CHAIRMAN: Sounds perfect. Just go over on a cloudy day and see if he wants a job. I am really excited about how this month is shaping up.

COMMITTEE MEMBER #2: How about something that combines dead presidents and selling used cars?

COMMITTEE MEMBER #1: That doesn’t make any sense.

COMMITTEE MEMBER #1: I’m just saying if George Washington told me to buy a Prius, I would totally do it.

CHAIRMAN: Look guys, we need to wrap this up. I need to get home to watch the Olympics.

COMMITTEE MEMBER #1: The Olympics? In February? That’s a great idea! Who came up with that?

CHAIRMAN: Wait. Never mind. It’s the Winter Olympics.


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