Beach Hazard Bingo
August Men's room
Recently, a friend’s daughter was stung by a jellyfish. She was lucky; another mother knew to go straight to the lifeguard stand for white vinegar (it prevents the release of more venom). Some say you should pee on a jellyfish sting, but that seems like one of those “the medicine is worse than the disease” situations (as well as logistically challenging when alone).
This got me thinking of other beach hazards and various homespun remedies. A fair-skinned buddy claims the best sunburn cure is an extremely hot shower. “Opens the pores and releases the heat,” he argues.
When it comes to shark bites, we tend to focus on prevention. Some avoid jewelry while swimming since it’s reflective and can mimic sunlight glinting off fish scales. Others warn against peeing in the ocean, claiming urine attracts sharks. Again with the peeing.
Other beach hazards are less discussed but no less dire. I’ve collected a few below with remedies, so your day in the surf and sand won’t be ruined:
Baby Boomer in a Banana Hammock: It hits you in a flash. The flesh. The mesh. The lycra so bright it could double as an emergency rescue beacon. The offender is often European and accompanied by a wife far more fit than he. Despite the stir he creates among the other sunbathers, he’s oblivious to the stares.
Remedy: Immediately direct children’s attention elsewhere. Lie if you have to (“Look at the cute albino dolphin with three blowholes!”) since just one glance at Old Man Speedo could permanently damage your kids’ fragile psyches.
Bad Music Beach Blast: Most find no sound more soothing than the ocean’s roar. However, some beachgoers apparently feel this aural wonder is improved by the addition of ’70s rock played at volumes far in excess of what their CVS-bought bluetooth speakers can handle.
Remedy: Tolerant folks should simply relocate. The rest of us can feel free to unleash our full arsenal of eye rolls, glares, and glowers.
Beach Glampers: They arrive like a tribe of Bedouins. Like high-end Deadheads setting up for a monthslong Rainbow Gathering. The dads battle the wind for forty-five minutes to erect a canopy so massive it doubles as a sunshade for their RV. If they glanced your way, they’d realize they’ve eclipsed your ocean view. But, do they care as their wives pull cubed watermelon and Mexican beer from a trendy, high-tech cooler that’s more expensive than your car?
Remedy: You could pray a wind gust sends their canopy somersaulting toward the inlet, but the poles might impale innocent children. Instead, play nice. Compliment their cooler. Join them for a game of cornhole. Who knows? You just might get an exceptionally cold Mexican beer out of the deal.
Beach Day Turns Hitchcock: It’s only one little piece of popcorn tossed to one little seagull. But, these tourists have no idea what they’ve unleashed. Soon, more seagulls arrive. But, they’re “so cute!” and there’s plenty of popcorn. Within minutes, however, flocks of the squawkers hover and dive in such great numbers that your sunblock is suddenly superfluous.
Remedy: Duck and run.
Happy beachgoing, folks, and may the only banana hammock you see this summer be your own!
Dylan Patterson is a writer and filmmaker who teaches English at Cape Fear Community College.
To view more of illustrator Mark Weber’s work, go to markweberart.blogspot.com.
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