B&Bs Decoded

Are they for you?

Jason Frye’s work has appeared in Our State and a variety of local publications. He also helps aspiring authors achieve their goals. Visit teakettlejunction.com for more details.

Staying in a bed and breakfast is a symbol of maturity and sophistication, a signal that we’re here to relax and enjoy a romantic weekend away, a sure sign that we are adults and comfortable enough with ourselves and our lifestyles that we don’t mind paying $179 a night to sleep in the attic of a historic home for the sake of impressing our mate.

Bed and breakfasts are intimate affairs, so there are a few rules I’ve learned that will make you the best B&B guest ever in the eyes of your fellow travelers and your hosts.

Pack your bags, not your baggage.

Bring the stuff you need – toiletries, comfortable shoes, something sexy to wear (it’s a romantic weekend away after all), extra contacts. But leave your couple squabbles at home. Arguments about who printed out bad directions, and who missed a turn because someone wasn’t paying attention, can stay in the car where they’ll be handy for the ride home.

Make yourself at home, but not too at home.

You’re staying in a home, so you should feel comfortable walking around in your socks or sitting in the common area to do a crossword. Watching TV in your boxers or cramming your leftovers into the fridge, well, if you go there, you’ve made yourself a little too at home.

Enjoy yourself.

It’s a vacation, a break from your normal routine, so enjoy yourself. But when you stumble in at 1 a.m., assume the front door will slam, the stairs will creak, and that you’ll drop your keys on the hardwood twice before you realize the room key isn’t on your key ring and is in fact in your other pocket.

Many B&Bs are historic buildings. Get in the spirit of the times.

But don’t show up in a powdered wig or hoop skirt. (I did, once – not the wig, the hoop skirt. I don’t know how those Azalea Belles do it.) Just put your phone on vibrate, keep your laptop at home, and give your iPad or Kindle a rest.

Assume everything is old, even the plumbing.

Your weekend away is probably not the best time to try to eat a dozen Chernobyl wings, try the extra-spicy Pad Thai, or dive into some new cuisine of unknown gastroenterological consequence.

Mind the décor.

If you’re in a room filled with creepy Victorian toys, and you hide that one doll because she keeps looking at you and you swear she just moved, put it back before you leave, or you’ll find your credit card charged for a $400 doll that’s stuffed in a drawer.

Don’t feed the resident dog your breakfast scraps.

Not only will your spare eggs and toast give Fido some unneeded calories, it may cause some unforeseen intestinal issues. Not fun for anyone in the room.

Remember, the walls are thin, so use your inside voice.

On a recent B&B stay, some, umm, nighttime adult sounds roused us from our slumber. The walls are thin, folks, I’m just sayin’.

Make eye contact with and greet your fellow guests at breakfast.

On that same recent B&B stay, everyone eyed everyone else at breakfast, silently trying to figure out the couple that was on a vigorously romantic getaway.

A little small talk goes a long way.

Over breakfast, introduce yourself. You don’t need to become besties with the other couples, but a little small talk on that recent B&B stay would have killed the tension at our “whodunit” breakfast. Something more than “pass the cream” or “these pears are deeeelish” would have given the rest of us guests a little release ourselves. Plus, when you start the small talk, the other guests won’t suspect the midnight sounds came from your room.

To view more of illustrator Mark Weber’s work, go to www.markweberart.blogspot.com.